Figgis Vice
by Red Witch
Summary: All of Cyril's dreams are coming true. Mostly…Well not really.


**The disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters is gone. Been shot see? Just some madness that came into my tiny brain that was inspired by the season seven finale of Archer! Thankfully not the finale of Archer. Then we would have been stuck with…**

 **Figgis Vice **

Cyril Figgis had never been happier.

Archer was dead.

Archer, the proverbial bully's bully and pain in his ass for longer than he remembered was dead.

And the best part was that Krieger couldn't turn him into a cyborg. The police had confiscated Archer's body for an autopsy and after that for some mysterious reason Archer's body had been immediately cremated by accident.

Well maybe not entirely by accident. Cyril knew a thing or two about legalities.

And he wasn't going to take any chances.

The next few weeks were hard. Mostly because it took all Cyril's strength to stop screaming with joy and dancing out in the open. At home yes, he danced and sang and drank happily.

But at the office he had to keep up a front. At least around Lana and Mallory.

Almost immediately after the funeral, which was predictably a disaster…Lana, Mallory, Cheryl and Pam went on a revenge rampage trip to Mexico. Shapiro was brought back a week later, bloodied and bruised and missing a few fingers but still very much alive and able to admit his guilt in Veronica Deane's crime.

The same could not be said of Veronica Deane.

Apparently she had been torn to pieces in an alligator pit in a Mexican zoo. With a few bullet holes in her body. And acid had burned part of her face.

During that week Cyril was busy consolidating his power at the agency. Apparently Dietrich and Harris had screwed up one crime scene too many and were permanently kicked off the force. Cyril saw an opportunity and took it. He gave them a job in his agency as detectives.

Needless to say Lana was not exactly thrilled when she returned and found out those two were part of the agency.

Then again Lana had never been thrilled about Archer in the first place.

And some of that office furniture needed to be replaced anyway.

Krieger was able to patch those two up after Lana 'discussed' her feelings about the agency's new hires easily. It wasn't like either of them lost a limb.

After Mexico Mallory seemed to lose interest in the agency. She barely came into work anymore. So Cyril took the opportunity to consolidate his power. He was surprised that it took him this long to figure it out.

He made Lana a full partner in the agency.

That made Lana very happy. She was fulfilling her career ambitions as well as some personal ones. Namely bossing around Harris and Dietrich who had gained a healthy fear of her large hands.

It had been so easy to get Mallory to sign away her majority of shares in the agency. Two bottles of absinthe and Mallory would sign anything.

Strangely Mallory no longer cared about that. She seemed to change slightly. Surprisingly she became more affectionate towards Lana. Well as affectionate as an evil crocodile could become.

And she put more effort in being with her granddaughter. In fact she vowed to be a better grandparent than she was a parent. (Not exactly a high bar to pass) Determined not to make the same mistakes with this generation. AJ spent more time out of daycare with Mallory and Pam supervising. And she became more devoted to Ron.

In other words, with Mallory out of the way, and Lana backing him up Cyril was free to run the agency as he saw fit.

Business actually started to pick up a little. Not to mention the fact that with Krieger's help Cyril broke into the whole Long Water account and cleaned it out. Most of that money went to the agency and the employees.

A few million went to a secret offshore account in the Cayman Islands. Cyril figured out what the others didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

Cyril also sold Archer's car for scrap metal. And used the proceeds to buy his own luxury car. A picture of which he sent to his father, knowing his father would seethe with jealousy.

Krieger kept on doing what he usually did, however with orders not to make any more clones or robot clones. Especially of Archer. But he did continue his cyborg work. Apparently there became an underground market for people wanting to become cyborgs.

And with a cut of the profits Cyril saw no reason to not let Krieger be Krieger.

His plan to get back together with Lana hit a proverbial snag. Apparently Lana had a thing for assholes. Within two months she and Dietrich were dating. And bickering but not the same insanity that she had with Archer. And Dietrich was smart enough to not cheat on Lana.

It didn't matter anyway. Lately Cyril had been doing well dating. Apparently owning your own company was a big attraction to the ladies.

The real surprise was when Harris and Ray started going out.

But all in all, life was good for Cyril.

Cyril was in his office on the phone. "Thank you Mr. Mayor, the Figgis Agency will do all it can to help you. I know you can count on us."

As Cyril hung up the phone Lana walked in with some papers. "Here are those files you wanted. I figured I'd bring them because Cheryl's still passed out on the floor."

"What was it this time?" Cyril sighed as he took them. "Glue? Gummy Bears? Absinthe?"

"All of the above," Lana sighed. "We really need a new secretary."

"Well I put the ad in the paper so…" Cyril began. He noticed Lana tearing up. "Lana it's not that bad. I'm sure Cheryl won't die…"

"It's not Cheryl," Lana started to sob. "Dietrich and I broke up!"

"Ooohhhh…" Cyril winced. "That's terrible!"

"He said I was too much woman for him to handle," Lana sobbed. "That's code for he thinks I'm too fat!"

"You are **not** fat!" Cyril got up and hugged her. "You are a beautiful Nubian Goddess!"

"I know…Oh Cyril," Lana sobbed. "I've been such an idiot."

"Well yes," Cyril said as he patted her back. "But that's all in the past now."

"I mean I know we've had our problems," Lana sobbed. "But I didn't know what a good thing I had with you until now. I mean, I can't really call you out for the cheating thing since Archer did it to me many times."

"Many, many times," Cyril said. "More like all the time. Every chance he got!"

Lana sobbed. "Oh Cyril! Will you please take me back? Maybe this time without Archer screwing around we can make it work?"

"You did hurt me pretty bad Lana," Cyril sighed. "I'd have to think about it. Okay I've thought about it. Let's give us one more try! Or two or three if we have to!"

Immediately they started to make out. Soon they were making out on Cyril's desk when…

CRASH!

"What the hell was that?" Lana stopped kissing him.

Cyril got off the desk and picked something up. "It's a warning note on a rock! It says Back off the case or else!"

"How did that rock get up here?" Lana blinked. "Aren't we at least three stories up?"

"It doesn't matter, Lana!" Cyril's eyes beamed. "Come! To the Figgis-Mobile!"

FLASH!

Cyril was driving Lana in a white Ferrari Daytona. "Where did you get this car?" Lana asked.

"Easy," Cyril said. "I traded in Archer's stupid car for something that **works!** "

FLASH!

Cyril was wearing a white tuxedo as Ray piloted a speedboat. They were chasing another speedboat. The occupants of the other speedboat shot at them. Cyril shot back. His shots hit the gas can of the other speedboat and blew it up.

FLASH!

Cyril was still in his white tuxedo but this time he was at a baccarat table winning big. Several beautiful women fawned over him.

FLASH!

Cyril was with Krieger in his lab. Krieger was showing him some new high tech device while Mitsuko casually read a magazine nearby.

FLASH!

Cyril, Lana, Ray and Mallory were standing around looking at a pile of cash on a table. Pam ran by half-dressed waving a video camera. Dietrich ran after her naked and carrying an octopus. Everyone else laughed.

FLASH!

Cyril was dancing the tango with Lana in a ballroom to the envy of all the other men in the room.

FLASH!

"See you later Alligator!" Cyril shot an alligator that attacked him. Cheryl was clinging onto him for dear life.

FLASH!

"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRREE!" Cyril was in a shootout in a warehouse where he gunned down several armed men.

FLASH!

"Hang on!" Pam shouted as Cyril drove his car. A bag of cash was in her lap. "If we have the cash. And the crooks have the flour…Who has the bag of jewels hidden inside the bag of cocaine? I'm asking because I could go for some cocaine."

"Pam there's more than one way to get high!" Cyril shouted. "Hang on!"

VRRROOM!

The trans-am soared over a hill in the air, outracing their pursuers.

FLASH!

"So…couple things," Cyril said to his staff as he sat at his desk. A tiger was also on the desk roaring.

FLASH!

Cyril was wearing sunglasses as he slowly walked away from a car. That exploded in the background.

FLASH!

"LANAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Cyril called out as he held onto Lana, dangling from a helicopter.

"CYRIL!" Lana shouted.

"CYRIL!"

"CYRIL!"

"CYRIL!" Ray shouted. "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

"Huh? What?" Cyril looked around. He was still at the pool at Veronica Deane's house. "What are we doing?" Archer's body had been pulled out of the water and there were people standing around it.

"He still has a pulse!" Krieger called out. "I think…"

"How the hell can a guy who's been shot several times and drowned still have a **pulse?"** Detective Harris shouted.

"You'd be surprised," Ray groaned. "Cyril! Help us…CYRIL!"

"Figgis Vice…" Cyril's eyes had a strange look in them.

"Oh God," Ray groaned. "Not **again!** "

"Figgis PI…" Cyril was still in his own world.

"If he starts talking about a damn tiger I will **shoot him** ," Ray grumbled.


End file.
